Roley Poley Baby

Reagan has been rolling over for weeks. Front to back. Back to front. A skill we have been working on for several months, now. For weeks we have been going to therapy every day. And every day I've told her therapists that she is indeed rolling over at home. And every day they look at me like I'm crazy. So they have continued to practice rolling and accomplishing nothing but pissing Reagan off.

Yesterday we head to therapy, dreading the horrible rolling session at the end of therapy. When all of a sudden...Reagan rolled over! Twice! Hallelujah!! Now do you believe me? Her therapist looked so suprised and said "she finally did it!" What the hell do you mean "finally"? I've been telling you for weeks that she can do it. Now can we please move on to a skill she really needs help with, say, sitting for example?

Reagan mastered another skill yesterday. We've been trying to get her to transfer a toy from one hand to the other for a while and she did it three times yesterday! I'm so excited! It seems as if she has been making progress by leaps and bounds lately. She now picks up toys from the floor. We're still working on a lot of things, but I'm so happy with her progress! She is amazing!

Did I mention that she army crawled? Yes, she did. She did it the day that A passed away. Just a few hours later, as a matter of fact. A friend of ours said that A went to God when she got to Heaven and told Him that it meant a lot to me for Reagan to make progress and asked if He would allow it and He did. That warmed my heart. It may have not happened that way, but I'd like to think it did. A loved Reagan so much and I could see her doing something like that.

So here's where we stand at this point. Making tons of progress, but still pretty far behind. But...she is happy and I think she knows she is loved. What else matters?

Three Weeks

It's been almost three weeks since the fire. Sadly, A died from complications due to the injuries she suffered. I feel so empty. There is a hole in my heart where she once lived. I have thought about her every hour of every day since this has happened. I dream of her every night. I'm saddened by the fact that Reagan will not grow up knowing "Auntie A" like we had planned. She will only live on through pictures and memories. And her son, of course. I plan on starting a journal for the baby. I want everyone who knew and loves A to write in this journal for her baby. He is too young to remember her, and we will have to tell him all about his mommy. So here are some of my favorite memories of A.

She loved hot air balloons. I can't count the times she told me she wanted to take a hot air balloon ride. I had actually looked into booking her one just a few weeks before she died. It was going to be an early birthday gift sometime this summer.

We were at work one night and I had made some Ravioli. I was pouring the soup out when she looked at me and said "what on earth are you doing? That's the best part." I told her I didn't like the soup. She just rolled her eyes and said "you're a weirdo." To which I responded "you hang out with me. What's that say about you?" She burst out laughing and agreed with me.

I remember the day she told me she was pregnant. She had only told her aunt and was waiting to tell everyone else because she was afraid people would judge her for not being married. I burst into tears, but then again, I was pretty far into a pregnancy myself. I had vast dreams of our children growing up together and being best friends just like we were. I immediately starting making plans and getting excited. She brought me back to reality at once, saying I couldn't tell anyone yet because she wasn't ready to be outed. I was about to burst, so I came home and told Tim! But I threatened him within an inch of his life if he told anyone.

During my pregnancy, she told me often how she couldn't wait to be an "aunt". We would talk about all the fun things that we would do with my baby girl, before she got pregnant with her own bundle of joy. Then our adventures turned into a four-some. We were both so excited.

A did not have a potty mouth. So one night at work someone said a pretty horrendous word, and I thought A's head would fly right off her shoulders! LOL She never said anything. She didn't have to. The look said it all!

We talked about the Lord a lot. Did she ever love Him. She is actually the one who got me into church. She would call and ask if I was going and, of course, I'd have some excuse as to why I couldn't go.
I didn't have anything to wear--God doesn't care.
I haven't had a shower today--So sit in the back.
I don't have time to get ready, I'll be late--So come in during fellowship. No one will notice.
She would not let me off the hook. I can't count the number of times I was late for church because she wouldn't let me lay out. I'm so glad she was so tough on me.

A was like my right arm. We worked together, went to church together, she was my best friend. How on earth will I ever make it without her?

My Best Friend {Y3W}

Life can change in an instant. In the twinkling of an eye the life you know can be changed or gone forever.

My best friend, A texted me yesterday morning and asked me to pray for her...she needed guidance. I told her I would and that I loved her as I rushed out the door to a doctor's appointment. She texted me back and said that she loved me too. A few hours later I got another text from her that said she loved me like a sister. I had told myself all day that I would call her as soon as she had time to get home from work. I went on with my day thinking of her several times and hoping she was okay.

My afternoon got away from me. I fell asleep when Reagan took her nap and when I woke up I realized it was too late to call A. It's okay. I'll call her in the morning. I fixed supper, visited with my mother in law and, before I knew it, it was time to put Reagan to bed. As I was tucking her in I heard my cell phone ring. "It can't be too important. I'll call them back." I finished putting Reagan to bed and then went and checked my phone. It was a lady from church. I cheerfully called her back and as soon as I heard her voice I knew something was wrong.

"Have you talked to A?" I hadn't. Not since our brief text session this morning. There had been a fire. A was severely burned. I ran out the door as soon as I was sure she was at the local hospital. When I got there, her aunt came out the ER doors. I asked her how A was doing. "It's bad."

A's aunt is a nurse. A seasoned one at that. To hear those two words...it's bad...coming from her struck fear into my heart. I was briefly allowed to see A before she was airlifted to a burn unit in Nashville. I'll never forget that moment. I stood there looking at my dear friend, badly burned, praying...Lord, please don't let this be my last image of her. I told her I loved her, even though she was unconscious and then stepped aside as paramedics took her to a near by air plane bound for Nashville.

Conversations I've had with A keep replaying over and over in my head. She has a 5 month old son. She had told me that she didn't think she could live without him and she didn't want him to have to go through life without her. He was, thankfully, unharmed in the fire. Praise God.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "what a horrible nightmare". Then I realized it wasn't a nightmare. At least not the kind you can wake up from. I have prayed over and over for her to live. She is so full of life. Her son needs her.

If you're reading this blog today, please stop and take a moment to pray for A. She is a very dear friend. She loves life, her son, her job, her family, her friends, her Lord. She is such a happy person, no matter what she's going through. She trusts God with all her might. She is a wonderful person. Please pray for her.

Things I Love

I decided to make a list of things I love. Not necessarily things like the Lord, family, friends. But little things that make ordinary life a little sweeter. So here goes.

polka dots
high thread count sheets
caramels
chocolate
chocolate covered caramels
clear, starry skies
lilies
the smell of coconut
Dr. Pepper
General Hospital
fresh fallen snow
flip flops
quiet moments
all things pink
Disney cartoons
snow globes
tea pots
picture frames
quilts
cookie jars
turtles
whippoorwills
fireflies
flameless candles
soup
angels
Cool Water perfume
lip gloss
creamsicle ice cream
coffee
purses

I could keep going, but this list could get pretty long. I do love the simple little things of life. The smallest details that not everyone notices. It's what makes life enjoyable. I feel like people miss so much if they don't stop and take notice of the details. I stare at a picture forever because I notice everything about it. But then every time I look at it again, I see something that I didn't see before. I take it all in. Or try to at least.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Which doesn't make sense because I'm exhausted. It happens to me a lot. Sometimes I can't turn my mind off. It's like a constant roar of noise and erratic thoughts in my head. It is so frustrating. Sometimes it's because of crazy dreams. Tonight, that's the culprit.

I dreamed that my cousin asked to borrow $20. I needed to get ready for work so I gave her my debit card and car keys and told her to go get it while I took a shower. While she was gone she spent $400K on a satellite bill and fell in love with a four foot tall cowboy with a mullet. She let mullet man drive my car and he proceeded to total it. Needless to say, I was upset when she returned.

Then I dreamed that my dad and I took a road trip to Nashville to kidnap Goldie Hawn because she stole my iPod and, by hell, we were getting it back! Along the way we stopped at an old gas station and I stole a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from a little girl.

I guess I choose a life of crime in my sleep. I'd almost be afraid to have someone analyze my dreams. I'm afraid of what they'd come up with! LOL

Best Message Ever!

John 15:16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

The church I've been attending has been looking for a pastor for over two years. Tonight we had a guest preacher giving the message. It was truly the best message I've heard in my life. He preached on the role of a christian, which is to bear fruit. Fruit of the spirit. And how do you bear fruit? By going through "storms". When God sends a storm in our direction, he is trying to make us stronger with it. He has a task for us. The smaller the storm, the smaller the task. The bigger the storm, the bigger the task. It's how we build faith. It's easy to have faith and trust God when we are having good times. Can you have faith and trust the Lord during a storm? It's hard, trust me.

This message touched my heart to the core. It was as if the preacher knew my thoughts. My life has been storm after storm for nine months. I've asked God why. Why are you doing this to us? We're good people. We don't hurt anyone. What makes us deserve this? I'm starting to realize that God is building our testimony. He wants us to spread the word of His works. And has He ever worked on my child. By all medical rights, she should have died. We were told "keep her comfortable", "don't expect much out of her", "we won't be able to get her off the ventilator", and my personal favorite, "pray for your miracle, but don't plan on it". Well, little did they know, I could plan on my God. Because He had a plan for me. I prayed as hard as I could for our miracle. And God gave it to us. Because He has a task for us. Because He loves us. Just because.

One Phone Call {Y3W}

I've had a bad week. Not dealing with Reagan's illness too well. But then I started to feel better. We've had beautiful weather and spring has sprung. I had decided that I'd blog about that today. Then I got a phone call this morning that gave my mood a 180. It was Reagan's endocrinologist. Her glycine level has climbed yet again. Increase the sodium benzoate and we'll see you in May. Click. Like it didn't matter at all. I burst into tears. The increased glycine levels are what causes brain damage. When she was in a coma and being ventilated, Reagan's glycine level was 1100. Today it is 574. That's getting too close for comfort for me. I immediately started to wander to those places that scare me.

What if we can't get it down?
What if she starts having seizures again?
What if she suffers brain damage?
What if she dies?

I realize that aside from medicine, there's nothing we can do for her. But it's the natural tendency of a mother's heart to start to worry. I don't know why. It does no good. My grandmother always said worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but gets you no where. True. But how do you stop it, especially when it's your child's life at stake?

I sometimes wonder what it's like to have a baby and not have to deal with these issues. What's it like to come home and not have your world come crashing down 24 hours later? What's it like to spend the first few weeks of your baby's life at home with family and friends instead of in a NICU fighting for life? What's it like to be able to breastfeed instead of tube feed?

It's the hand we've been dealt. We have to play it. There's no "fold" option here. We have to hold 'em. But I get upset when I think about the life that we were "supposed" to have. Then Reagan sees me crying and she gets upset. She's so sweet. I love her so much. Even if her body doesn't function as it should, she's perfect. Because God makes no mistakes.