2010

What a year. It's been a whirlwind. This has been the hardest and the best year of my life. We were blessed with our beautiful baby girl. Her life started out hard. She almost died before it even began. But the Lord reached down and put His arms around her and blessed her to live. She may not be healed, but she is alive, thriving, and doing well. She's making progress and that's all I could ask for. My God is so good to us. Thank you, Lord.

When I think of the many blessings of 2010 I'm overwhelmed. I've been given much more than any one person deserves. I can't sit and think of what I don't have. Sure, my baby girl could be healed. But she's not and I've accepted that. She is perfectly made. Just the way God intended her to be. We've been dealt this hand. We must play it. God didn't promise us everything would be good. He did promise us that everything works toward the greater good of those that believe in Him. I'm keeping my eye on that. I don't know now, but someday my Father will reveal to me why all of this happened. Someday we will all understand. And it will make sense. He can see the bigger picture that we can't see. God doesn't make mistakes.

Happy New Year, everyone. God bless.

Patience

I did not pray for patience. I don't remember doing that. I was always told it is dangerous to pray for patience. Job prayed for patience. Not me. Yet that seems to be what God is trying to teach me. This whole journey seems to be a lesson in faith, control, and patience. From the beginning of this roller coaster we've been waiting. Waiting for a diagnosis. Waiting for treatment to start working. Waiting to take Reagan off the vent. Waiting for her to eat on her own. Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Our lives have become a game of hurry up and wait. And now we wait again. Wait for results of an EEG done over a week ago. I know they say it could take up to 7 to 10 days to get results. And I realize that this transpired over Christmas. But they are not the ones sitting and waiting for results for their child. It's not their child. People seem to forget that. I'm in the medical field. I know how it goes. That EEG was read the day it was done. If not, then it was read the next day. I should have results by now. There is no reason to make us wait so long. So here I sit, wondering if her EEG was normal or not. It's frustrating.

It's funny how all of this has changed me. Things that used to upset me seem so trivial now. I'm learning that I have no control over anything except my own feelings. I can't control a traffic jam. But I can control how I feel about it and how I let it affect me. I used to be so uptight. I guess I still am to a certain degree. Just not as much. Or maybe not about the same things. This entire journey has made me a different person. I feel compassion for people I would have never looked twice at. I try to savor every moment instead of rushing through life. And I try to lean on God more instead of leaning on myself.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Working moms do not rock...

Here I sit at work wondering what my princess is doing. Is she sleeping? Is she playing with Daddy? Is she fussy, hungry, missing Mommy? Does she wonder why I'm not there? Does she even notice? I hate being a working mom. Babies grow up much too quickly to have to miss any of it because of a job. But then again, could I afford to give her the life she has if I didn't have this job? No. So here I sit wishing I was home snuggled in close to my baby girl. Hating the theif that steals my time with her. Hoping that someday she will understand and not hate me for it. Praying that she doesn't think I'm a bad Mommy for leaving her.

I dread the day that Reagan begs me not to go to work. I know that day is coming. Every working mom experiences it. What do I do? How do I make her understand that I have to go to work? All she's going to know is that Mommy is leaving. I pray that God gives me strength on that day, because it will be a very hard day.

My dear cousin said it best to me earlier today. Reagan will grow up happy and well adjusted because she is so loved by so many people. "There are no people who are dysfunctional because they were loved too much." She's right. Even though I can't be there all the time, Reagan sure isn't lacking in the love department. Tim is crazy about her. I've never seen a better father in all my life. Her grandmother is the same way. She tries to see Reagan daily. If she doesn't get to see her, she always calls to check on her. Reagan is a blessed little girl to have so many people in her life who love her so much. God is looking down on my little punkin. He takes such good care of her 8)

Snow

A light snow is falling outside bringing with it sweet serenity. Peacefulness that only God can give. It's fantastic. Reagan's first Christmas was, for lack of a better word, wonderful. She was surrounded by her family. All the ones who love her most, minus one special person who is on a Navy base (we love you Nathanael). That was the only missing link. There were toys, clothes, special surprises, food, and lots of love to go around. Her favorite toy came from Nana Lynn...a piece of tissue paper! She played with it forever! Every time someone tore a piece of wrapping paper, Reagan laughed. It was such a blessing. The simple things.

I adore having my family in my home. So much, I was sad to see the day winding down. One by one, my loved ones got in their cars to head home. And my heart broke a little with each one. I wanted it to last forever. I remember my Grandma standing on the front porch (or at the door if it was cold out) and watching until her loved ones were too far away to see anymore. It broke her heart. She hated the silent stillness that followed a family event. I understand that completely. I feel the same way. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us. There are so many out there who have no one. It shouldn't be that way. Everyone should have someone to love.

Tim gave Reagan a bite of key lime pie. She loved it! She smacked her lips and her eyes lit up. You can always tell when she loves a new flavor. It's as if she's found Heaven on Earth. So sweet. She gets so excited. I love it!

It's finally here...

Today is the day I've been looking forward to for months. It's Reagan's first Christmas. She's 7 months old. I know that's much too young to understand Christmas or even be excited about it. But I can't help it. I'm excited. It's my firstborn's first Christmas ever. A day that I will never be able to get back. A moment in time that will stand still in my heart forever. And...it's a white Christmas. A rarity in Tennessee. We haven't had a white Christmas since president Reagan was in office. Seems fitting, doesn't it? I prayed for many miracles this year and I got all of them. The Lord blessed me with a child. And when my child stared death in the face, the Lord saved her with his blessed grace. Now that child has made it to seven months to see the first white Christmas since I was a child. That is a miracle to me. Everything has come together so perfectly to make this the best Christmas I can think of. I am so happy. Words can not express the love I feel in my heart right now for not only my family, but my Lord as well. Thank you, God for this day. It is truly a miracle. Merry Christmas.