Bad Dreams

I was sleeping so soundly when I was interrupted by a nightmare. One of those nightmares that feel so real that you wake up in a cold sweat and wonder if it really happened. I dreamed that I was having dental surgery and the dentist had ordered some pre-op blood work, during which it was discovered that I had Leukemia. I was sent straight to the hospital to begin treatments. I called Tim in hysterics because I had no idea how to process what I had just been told. I remember crying as the nurse inserted my IV. Not because it hurt, but because I wondered what was going to happen to my family. What would happen to Reagan and Tim if I didn't make it? How would we live if I couldn't work? We can't survive on Tim's job alone, nor mine. We would lose everything. How would we feed our child?

Then Tim brought Reagan to the hospital to see me and I didn't even have the energy to hold her. She sat crying at my bedside and reaching for me and I could do nothing about it. Tim kept telling her that I was very sick, but that it would be ok and she just cried and cried. I felt emotionally and physically drained. It was almost as if I could really feel how bad that situation would be.

Then I jolted awake to the sweetest thing. Reagan had snuggled close to me and had both arms wrapped tightly around my arm. It was if she was saying "you are mine and I'm never letting you go."

On another note, Reagan has to go to the neurologist today (weather permitting). We were told two weeks ago that her EEG had some "slight abnormalities" but none of her medicines were changed. So how abnormal could it really be? I'm just afraid we will get there and have a huge bomb dropped on us. I try to remind myself that her neurologist is very pessimistic and it could be nothing. But the nurse in me says "well it could be this, and this, and this, and what about if it is this?" My mind has a tendency to drive me crazy in times like this. These are the times that I wish I had no medical knowledge at all. Sometimes it would be easier to not know all the things that could go wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just listen to the doctors and trust them. But I can't. I almost never let them do the things they want to. Lumbar puncture? I don't think so, my friend. Six hour EEG? Not today. More and more blood work? Not necessary.

I think they get aggravated at me at times. But I refuse to let them poke and prod on my child if it's not necessary. She is thriving and doing well. We'll monitor the needed blood work every two months like clock work and if something strange pops up then we'll check that out, too. But my child is not a pin cushion. Nor will she be treated like a specimen. She is a child. A beautiful, sweet child. She has a disease that is a part of her. That disease does not make her.