I'm standing at a patient's bedside while the nurse practitioner prepares to do an ultrasound. She's about 7 weeks pregnant and excitedly awaiting the image to come on the monitor. I know her. I'm excited for her. Maybe this one will be her little boy. Her girls would love a brother. I'm excited for her...right?
Suddenly there is a faint flutter on the monitor. Is that a heartbeat? It sure is!
Wait a minute...What's that lump in the pit of my stomach? Is that...Oh my gosh...I'm jealous!!! Or maybe a little angry. It's sure not a feeling I would have expected. I'm a little jealous (perhaps angry) that she's pregnant and excited. Or rather that she's able to be excited about a pregnancy. I don't have that luxury. I'll never again be able to get pregnant and be excited about it. My future pregnancies (if there are any) will have to be meticulously planned ahead of time. With Reagan's condition being genetic, there is a 25% chance it will happen again with each pregnancy. God wouldn't do that to us again, right? Don't be so sure. I know of families who have more than one child with NKH. I hate to say that we couldn't handle that. I'm afraid God would do it to us just to prove that we can handle it. He promised He'd never put more on us than we can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
25% chance. Every time. But that still means there's a 75% chance that the child wouldn't have NKH. I have to keep thinking of that. I wish I could go back to the days of being able to be happy and excited about a pregnancy. I wish I could be care free and just "see what happens". Some of us don't have that luxury.
No comments:
Post a Comment